Tears in heaven
by AngelKruger
Summary: I suck at summaries, so i'm just gonna say: this is the prequel to my story 'It's just me'. ShizNat.


Hey there !!, sorry guys, I know that I've been gone for a loooong time, my life took a weird turn, but as I promised, here's the prequel to my other story 'it's just me', as my previous story, this is for my canadian friend and the rest of you guys that read my other stories, please review, thanx ; )

**ALEXISSA2**: I'm sorry for the wait, I hope you read this.

**Shyechick**: Thanx, u know why!

Thank u to all the people that already reviewed this story, it's an honor for me to read your comments and see that u took a minute to review, u guys give us writters the motivation to keep writting, again, thank u.

Oh, and extra cookies and beer to **anamensis**, 'coz the part with Natsuki and Nao is my favourite too ; )

Toughts are written like _'this', _and dialogue like "this". Well, on with the story.

**TEARS IN HEAVEN  
**By AngelKruger

I open my eyes slowly only to be welcome by the fluorescent light coming from the lamp over my head, I blink several times giving time to my pupils to get used to the illumination.

_' where am I ? '_

Then I notice the oxygen mask over my mouth and nose, I can barely move, it's as if my whole body was sedated, I observe my surroundings only to verify what already know, I'm in the hospital... Again.

I sigh feeling utterly defeated.

I've already lost the count of all the times I have woken up in the same place, I only know that it has been almost two years from the first time, but in the last months it's happened more and more frequently.

_'... I didn't asked to have a weak heart '_

I feel so empty, all I can actually I can feel is the incessant hammering of my heart inside my chest.

_' It's ironic, the only thing that I can actually feel is what's killing me slowly '_

But the pain that now consumes me is not physical but emotional, my heart hurts, but this time isn't because of my illness, but because of the gap that she left...

_' Shizuru '_

Although it hurts, I actually don't blame her, I know that perhaps running away wasn't the best way of facing things, but she was scared, as much or maybe more than me.

_' At least they won't be here to see me die '_

I try to console myself with this thought, but it's not enough, I miss her, her and my little Angel, our daughter.

_' I didn't even had the chance to say goodbye to them ' _

It's already been three months since she left, taking Angel with her, I'm not the only one that misses them, since they went away our friends have also suffered, Nao, Mai, Mikoto, Haruka, Yukino and all the rest.

Especially Nao, not only for Shizuru, but for Angel.

Only I hope that they're well and that they have the strength to go forward, I don't deny that I would like to see them before parting to an unknown destination, but it's something that I cannot give myself the luxury of demanding, she took the decision to go away, and although inside it was breaking my soul to know it, I didn't said anything, I knew that I couldn't ask her to stay and watch me die a little more everyday.

A thought invades my memory at the same time that a sad smile forms in my now pale lips, the memory of last day that I spent with them...

**FLASHBACK**

The day seemed to crawl slowly that autumn day, the clouds were covering the beams of the sun wrapping everything in a veil of sadness, now that I think about it, I should say that the day was reflecting perfectly the big weight that was drowning my heart and hers also.

We were on our way back from the hospital, little Angel; foreign to what was going on, was looking around her while she was walking slowly and awkwardly between us, each of us supporting one of her small hands to help stay on her feet.

I looked down and a smile formed in my face, she had grown so fast, barely a month ago she started walking awkwardly and now there was no way of stopping her, I turned my head back up head and sighed.

Yes, life had been good with me; with us, we had a nice house in a good zone of the city, same that we were only a few minutes of reaching, not ostentatious at all, but more than enough for us three and the occasional guest, I finally had managed to open my own workshop of motorcycles a year ago and Shizuru was now running the local office of the multinational company of her father, yes, life had been good, until that day.

I never hid my illness from Shizuru, but we thought that everything was under control, that everything would be okay, but a few years ago the relapsing began to be more frequent, every day I was weaker despite following the recommendations of the doctor, a couple of months ago, doctor Helene gave us the bitter news...

" We need to do a transplant as soon as possible. "

It was the phrase that I didn't want to hear.

" Is not that very risky doctor? "

Shizuru asked while holding my hand.

" Yes it is, but it's our only hope, the problem is that the process is going to take time and there are other people waiting also for a heart tran... "

" How long? "

It was the simple question that rolled from my lips.

" I'm sorry? "

" How long do I have if we don't find one on time? "

Their eyes were fixed on me, but I refused to look down, I wasn't going to show fear, I had to be strong for them, for Shizuru and Angel.

After a few seconds that felt like an eternity for me, Youko sighed heavily and looked down, Shizuru looked at her and squeezed my hand slightly, afraid of the answer.

" No more than six months, I'm sorry. "

Two months passed since then and the hope had been disappearing little by little, slowly I started to accept the fact that perhaps I was going to die waiting for a new heart, with time I learned to live with it, always walking with my head held high, but she couldn't accept it, I could see it in her eyes.

I couldn't blame her; and I still can't, I, myself would go crazy if she or Angel were going through the same as me, she didn't want to talk about it, whenever I brought up the topic, she always found a way of changing the conversation, she was scared, as much or more than I was, but it was too much pain that she was keeping inside unspoken.

The rest of the evening passed in the same silence that invaded us since we returned from the clinic, with the same news that we still had to wait.

Shortly before getting dark, I took Angel in my arms and took her to her crib and sat down in the rocking chair aside from her, for a long time I just looked at her, trying to record every detail in my heart, her beautiful ruby eyes darker than her mother's, her white skin as soft as silk, her hair a shade lighter than Shizuru's, and her little hands which were holding one of my fingers while her eyes were closing slowly.

" My little Angel, I know that perhaps right now you don't understand the meaning of my words, but I only want you to know that I love you, I always have, and neither the distance nor the time matters, I'll always love you my little one, don't forget me please. "

A tear fell from my closed eyes, I opened them and smiled sadly at the small figure of my daughter sleeping still holding my hand, I got up and gave her a kiss in the forehead before going out of the room.

As soon as I walked out of the room, I realized that all the lights were off, I walked slowly and stopped on the threshold of the door of our room.

And there she was, standing by the window looking out without actually seeing anything, her slender arms embracing herself, I approached her slowly and replaced her arms with mine around her waist, resting my chin on her shoulder.

_**Would you know my name  
If I saw you in heaven?  
Would it be the same  
If I saw you in heaven?**_

I felt her body tense for a moment but soon she relaxed and leaned her body resting her back against my chest, we stayed like that for a few minutes, simply enjoying the closeness of our bodies.

I felt her sigh and her hands covered my arms that were still wrapped around her waist, she turned around still between my arms and looked me directly in the eyes.

There was so much love in them, that for a moment I was afraid.

_' Yes, that's what I felt, fear. '_

Fear of losing her, fear of not seeing her eyes or have her again between my arms as then, fear of not inhaling her essence again ... fear of being the cause of her pain.

Her gaze settled in my lips for a moment before looking back at my eyes, I closed the distance between us, giving a soft kiss to her perfect lips, when I broke the contact I felt her hand settle behind my neck pulling me again to her lips in a new kiss.

Her hands found their way around my neck pressing herself more against me, all my previous thoughts left me as I lost myself in that intoxicant, almost violent kiss, full of emotions and desire.

_**I must be strong  
And carry on,  
'Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven.**_

That night we surrendered completely to each other, I can't compare it with the first time that we made love, this time was not a slow exploration, it was more like a battle, a desperate struggle to forget the bitter reality that now was waking us up from the perfect dream that we had managed to make true throughout the years, a battle of wills against what now was trying to destroy us.

I kissed every inch of exposed skin that I could reach, trying to memorize every detail of the goddess who was sharing my bed and was filling my senses with her being, I touched every curve of her perfect body that always drove me crazy, touched every part of her body as the artist touches the clay to mold it into a masterpiece.

I took her to the point of no return once and again trying to make her forget reality at least for just a moment.

I tried to show her with my kisses and caresses all the love that I couldn't describe with words, I apologized to her repeatedly for being the cause of her pain, I swore to her that I would always be with her no matter what, I gave her all that I had to offer, my body, my mind, my soul, my eternal love.

I don't know exactly when I started crying but I could barely see a thing through the tears accumulated in my eyes, I had promised not to cry, to be strong for them... and again I failed.

_**Would you hold my hand  
If I saw you in heaven ?  
Would you help me stand  
If I saw you in heaven ?**_

I looked at her and realized that she was crying too, her eyes finally spilling in the shape of tears all the pain that she kept inside.

I embraced her, my arms finding their way around her waist, I rested my head on her chest and listened to her heart, we held each other with all the power of our fear and love.

I cried like I never did before, I even questioned God's plans repeatedly.

_' Why ? '_

_' Why me ? '_

_' Why now that I was finally happy ?! '_

_' WHY ?! '_

"...why ?"

I knew that no one would or even could answer my questions, but I still had to get it all out, my sobs kept coming out for what it felt to me like an eternity while I felt her tremble under me by the strength of her own pain and tears.

After perhaps a couple of hours our crying had turned into drowned sighs, she raised my face with her hand and pulled me towards her face, with her lips she dried my tear stained face, when she kissed my lips I could still taste the lingering saltness of my pain on her lips, I looked directly at her eyes and she smiled sadly.

" I love you Shizuru "

" I love you too, Natsuki, and I always will, no matter what happens, I always will, and if we ever take different paths, I swear that I will find my way back to you, do not forget that ..."

Her next words were the final blow to me...

"...I'm sorry"

...Cause I knew what they meant, she wasn't apologizing for not being able to do anything 'bout my illness, but because of what she was gonna do.

_**'ll find my way  
Through night and day,  
'Cause I know I just can't stay  
Here in heaven.**_

And after those words, we fell asleep together for the last time.

**END FLASHBACK**

That was the last time that I saw them, the last night that I held Shizuru in my arms, when I woke up the next day ... they were gone.

The only thing that I found was a white rose resting on her pillow.

That night ended more than three months ago, they won't be here to see my last moments, but I'll take them in my heart, I never stopped thinking about them.

I can say proudly that I fought 'til the end, I don't regret anything of what I did in life, I don't blame Shizuru for going away without an explanation, taking our daughter with her, but I do wish that I could hear their voices just once more...

_**Time can bring you down,  
Time can bend your knees.  
Time can break your heart,  
Have you begging please, begging please.**_

_' God please, just give me a little more time, I know they'll come back, I only want to be to see them once again, only an opportunity to listen to her and to tell her 'I love you' for the last time.'_

I'm tired, so tired, I want to put an end to all this pain, but my heart refuses to let go, sticking to the image of them, the women of my life.

Slowly, the door of my room is opened and someone sits down beside my bed, I can feel this person is debated between speaking or not, but it's not necessary, I know who it is.

" Nao "

Her name brings a small smile to my lips.

" Hey there mutt, how 'ya doing ? "

I can tell she's nervous, she's looking everywhere but at me.

" I feel like shit. "

" Well, honestly you don't look any better than that. "

That makes me smile even more, no matter what, I'll always love this girl dearly, like the sister I never had.

" Will you do me a favor ? "

Her hands are fidgeting with some imaginary lint from my blankets.

_' She's scared '_

" Sure, you want some water, what about the pillows are you comfortable ?...

" Nao "

"... you need me to call the nurse ?"

" Nao, stop "

" How 'bout... "

" NAO!! "

_**Beyond the door ,  
There's peace I'm sure ,  
And I know there'll be no more  
Tears in heaven.**_

She stops but doesn't raise her gaze, it's not necessary, even from my position I can see the tears that she's fighting to contain.

" Please, just listen to me, will you ? "

She just nods silently and sits back in the chair she was previously using.

" You know as well as I do that i'm not gonna make it this time, and I already accepted the fact that I don't have much time "

I look at her, it breaks my heart to see her so vulnerable, to see her suffering and know that it's because of me, but she's the only one that I can ask this of.

" I need you to do me a favor "

" What is it "

I can barely hear her whisper.

" Say goodbye to all our friends for me and please, look after my family, I know you and Shizuru don't get along very good, but you are my closest friend, you are the only one that can do this for me, please, please, just promise me that you'll be there if they ever come back. "

I know that maybe it's not fair to ask this of her, but I have to, I have to know that they won't be alone.

_**Would you know my name  
If I saw you in heaven ?  
Would it be the same  
If I saw you in heaven ?**_

She finally raises her head and looks at me, now t he tears are freely running across her beautiful face, i've never seen so much pain in her eyes, and it kills me to know that it's because of me.

" Why are you asking me to do this ? "

" Because you are my best friend; even though we're always fighting, because I know you love Angel and would give your life to protect her, because even if you have weaknesses and flaws; like we all do, you are a great human being but most of all because... "

The lump in my throat cut me short, I reached for her hand and she took it between hers, she just looked at me with a sad smile, she knows what I'm gonna say, but I still want to say it.

" ..Because I love you, my friend. "

That's the last thing I say before her last wall falls, crying like never before, and all I can do is hold her hand and tell her again and again how sorry I am and how much I love her.

I feel weaker with every minute that goes by, I can barely keep my eyes open, I try to fight to remain awake, but I can feel the energy slowly leaving me.

" N... Nao... "

" Now what mu... Oh my God, i'll go get the doctor ! "

She is about to leave but I refuse to let go of her hand, she looks at me with a panic and confusion in her eyes.

" Natsuki ? "

" Ple... ease, promise me you'll look af... fter them, Nao... "

" Yeah, wathever, just... "

" ... Please Nao "

_**I must be strong  
And carry on ,  
'Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven.**_

Using the last of my energy I slowly open my eyes and look straight into her's.

She looks from my face, to my hand holding hers, and then to the floor.

" I prom... no, I swear that I will, just please, don't leave me yet "

She looks back at me, and a small smile dances on my dry lips, the last one I will give to anyone.

I sigh feeling relieved, 'cause now I know that they won't be alone.

I finally close my eyes, i'm so tired, I just wanna sleep, it's weird, but i'm not afraid anymore, I don't have any regrets, i'm gonna wait for my time to go in peace.

" I love you too, my friend, we'll all meet again, just be patient mutt... i'll miss you "

_' Goodbye, Nao and thank you '_

I just have one more thought before letting the darkness engulf me.

_' Please forgive me Shizuru, for I won't see you again in this world, take care of our daughter and remember that I love you and i'll wait for you... Forever... '_

_**'Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven.**_

_**FIN**_

Thanx for reading guys, i know this wasn't even near as good as the other ones, but believe me, it was freakin' hard to write this, please, just give me one more minute of your time and review, in exchange i'll send u cookies, candy and sunshine (unless u prefer beer and cigarretes)!! Take care and thanx again.


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